The Power of Withholding...

There are certain moments in our lives which we would love to forget; some events in the past where we would have said or spoken about something spontaneously which may have caused major repercussions on our relationships be it with friends/family/office colleagues.

Today, we regret what we said and wish to undo it. However for most of us it’s just too late, the damage is already done. Even today I regret things said to friends/family/relatives/office colleagues which have caused tremendous pain and embarrassment. Actually it was a shock that I ended up saying things which otherwise in my normal senses would never have.

A lot of what was generally said was the result of over reaction at that point of time. Things said without much thinking can be dangerous. What is once said remains etched in the memory for ever and till date continue to haunt us. We spend years in developing a relationship and it all ends/gets damaged over something said in a fit of anger. Why existing but even a new relationship which has a potential to develop gets ruined by over reaction by any one person.

In retrospect don’t we feel that IF only we could have controlled our reaction, at that point things would have been so much different and we could have possibly avoided causing long term damage. So if over reaction is really the root cause of the problem then the question is how does one avoid it?

Few months back I had a powerful realization around this (which you may be aware of but which I strongly started believing in). However I must mention that i have still not been able to inculcate this in a big way. I am still a long way away from implementing this. However few instances when I did this it worked beautifully and avoided possible regrets.

The realization for the first time though happened by accident.

Period.

Some time back, I was unhappy with my friend over some incident and felt like giving him a piece of my mind. And believe me when I’m in such a situation I can’t rest till I’ve done that. It was something I had to do and quickly as I was getting impatient. This was sometime late afternoon.

As I was about to phone him, my MD called me over for some important work. He briefed me on some project which I had to complete by the end of day. From that moment on for the rest of the day I was running around to complete the given task. Around 9 pm I was done and mailed the stuff across to my MD. As I was heading home, I suddenly realized about my impending call to this friend who I wanted to shout at…..

However at that moment despite nothing having changed since afternoon I didn’t feel the same urge to shout at him like I did in the afternoon . After thinking about it for a while in fact I let it go. I didn’t call him and I forgot about the incident over the next few …. I can imagine that had I had called him over that afternoon, we would have got into another fight and would have probably lost a friend as i would have surely overreacted!

I slowly began to realize that we over-react due to the fact that at that point of time our emotions over power us ….our EGO becomes active (and starts controlling our behavior) and it makes us do things which at other times we would not have done. The EGO creates this huge urge to release our negative emotions then and there and that cause a lot of pain later.

Although unplanned, I realized that this time around because of the urgent work my MD had given me, i did not allow the EGO to overpower me and say things which I would have regretted later. I knew that I had to be aware of this and consciously not allow the EGO to play the spoilsport in future situations.

There was a need to create a virtual pullout situation every time I get into some emotional rub offs with near and dear ones. That virtual pullout i was in the form of WITHHOLDING THE REACTION for some time.

So tomorrow when you get into an argument with your family/friends/office colleagues and feel like giving something back: HANG ON. Before reacting and making any statement: JUST PAUSE. And remember that you may say something which could have major repercussions later. And hence WITHHOLD YOUR REACTION.

Say to yourself that you will hold your reply till tomorrow. And convince yourself to just get on with some other job for the time being. It’s like you park the thought at one place and get back to it next day. The next day if you still feel like saying the same thing, do it….but I’m 100% sure the urge would have gone and in the process you would have actually avoided something bad.

Important to note is that I’m not saying don’t react at all cause that’s being unrealistic. However by WITHHOLDING you are not allowing the EGO to overpower you at that very moment. The EGO is strongest when you are on an emotional high and channelizes your emotions negatively. With passage of time however it becomes weaker and the urge decreases. And after that initial period if you still feel like shouting/saying something do it as you are only human but the point most of us would end up not reacting at all.

Again this is not easy as it sounds; as the urge to give an immediate feedback is always high. I’ve tried many times but the EGO in me has won 98% of the time. However I’m sure if we keep trying and inculcate the habit of WITHHOLDING actions/reactions when we realize that we are becoming too emotional we have a lot to benefit. Because relations are too precious to be lost/damaged on the basis of something said when you actually didn’t mean it.

Perspectives

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